


I’m praying to live as I try to endure

by Cloudyjongho



Series: Blind Felix deaf Chris [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M, They’re so happy together, This is so soft, blind lee felix, coping with my fears here, deaf bang chan, felix’s guide dog, fluff fluff and fluff, love is so beautiful, minho as a dog, soft, they fell for each other, this made me cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:22:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22282558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cloudyjongho/pseuds/Cloudyjongho
Summary: Words whispered to Felix’s ear, pronounciation not perfect but the voice oh so melodic.Even if Felix couldn’t see, he could feel Chris’ beauty.Eyes looking at him, not so clear but oh so beautiful.Even if Chris couldn’t hear, he could feel Felix’s pretty voice.Or:Deaf Chris and blind Felix.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Series: Blind Felix deaf Chris [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1603867
Comments: 7
Kudos: 160





	I’m praying to live as I try to endure

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to try to cope with my fears by writing about them. Everyone has fears, everyone. I’m a person who hides fears and hardships, afraid to look weak and vunerable. 
> 
> The first two of my fears: blindness and deafness.
> 
> I will probably make atleast a second part, chanlix too i think, and it’ll be about two another fears of mine. Darkness and death. These are probably shorter than my usual fics. Maybe around 2-3k if the plot sails smoothly.  
> The third part will be about unhappiness and losing someone you care about.
> 
> [My curiouscat](https://curiouscat.qa/ramenofwonho)
> 
> [my twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/ramenofwonho)

Chris wandered down the aisle of Target. He needed a new notebook.

Radio was probably playing, ac made some noise too, but Chris couldn't hear it.

He stopped and took a look of the notebooks presented on the shelf. Pink, rainbow, black, princess pattern. Leather, faux leather, denim, silk. Chris grabbed the leather one. It suited him well, he was strong, just like leather.

He was deep in his thoughts when he realised that he wasn't alone. A boy with orange hair was staring at the shelf, not moving at all. His left hand squeezed the leash of a dog, (were they allowed?) and he seemed nervous. Chris put the notebook down.

Chris continued looking at him. The boy hadn't probably seen Chris or realised he was there, otherwise he would've turned to look at him.

The boy reached up, his small hand shaking a bit. His fingers wandered on the shelf, looking for something. Chris furrowed his brows.

That's when he understood.

The dog was a guide dog. The boy was probably blind. Chris took a step forward, the boy didn't move a muscle. He walked closer, nothing happened. Chris stood just beside him, their bodies almost touching, but the boy didn't know. Chris felt so bad.

The eyes of the other boy were glassy, like a fog surrounded them. Chris just watched him in silence. The boy was so beautiful, freckles spread on his cheeks like stars. Like a beautiful sky.

"I-is someone there?" The boy asked, when Chris let out a shuddering breath.

Chris had become so good at reading from lips that he could understand others. Unless they spoke really fast.

He didn't answer, he just let his hand slowly rise and make its way to the palm of the other. The boy flinched, immediately pulling the dog closer to him, muttering something to it. The hand of the boy shook more, but Chris took a gentle hold of it and caressed it with his thumb.

He slowly lifted the hand up, all the way to the nearest packet of pencils, and waited until the boy grabbed them.

"W-who are you?" The boy once again asked, and Chris just smiled. He crossed his fingers with the fingers of the boy, held his hand for few seconds, gave it a squeeze and let go.

He grabbed the leather notebook and took a last look of the boy and walked away, a big smile on his face.

They boy was adorable. But he looked so vulnerable, so fragile, like a porcelain doll. Chris wanted to hold him, to make the world better place for him, and make sure he would never break. Chris knew fate would bring them together if they were meant to be.

————

It was the week after he had met the boy when they met again.

The boy tried to step to a bus, but he couldn't. He stepped forward but somehow he was too afraid to take long enough steps. He had the stick with him, but of course it was harder without the dog.

Chris sprinted, and quickly took a hold of the elbow of the boy, and guided him forward. His other hand grabbed the smaller palm of the boy, caressing it to calm the boy down.

"I-i'm sorry, i'm not usually like this..."

Chris shushed him, and lifted the boy up. The boy didn't have his dog with him for some reason. Gently, he put him down inside the bus, and once again gave his hand a squeeze.

"Thank you..." The boy murmured before the doors closed. Chris just smiled, and watched as the bus drove away.

He continued his way to his studio.

Chris hadn't been deaf all his life. He lost his hearing few years ago, about four. He still knew how to speak, because that was a thing he had promised himself he would hold on to. Chris met a speech therapist once a week, and they worked on his speaking together.

Being a deaf songwriter, producer and rapper was supposed to be impossible. But with the help of his threrapist and friends he won over the impossible.

Chris sat down on the chair and turned on his computer, opened the files and continued to work on Matryoshka.

Time flew when he produced. He felt free, free from all those chains the deafness tried to tie him down with.

It was already late outside when Chris stood up and stretched. His back and neck clicked loudly, making him groan. The only light that lit the room was his computer and the faint light coming from streetlamps.

Matryoshka was almost ready, but he would continue tomorrow. Chris shrugged on his leather jacket and ran down the stairs after locking up the studio.

He felt bad for the boy. He couldn't see all the beauty around him, he couldn't see himself. He was beautiful.

Chris opened the door and breathed in the cold air. He could feel the bass coming from probably legal and illegal bars, it shook the floor beneath him.

Chris turned to left, and picked up his pace. Wind blew harshly, it made his brown, curly hair fly on his face. It was really cold, winter was coming.

Chris regretted putting on ripped jeans. His knees were frozen as if Elsa had touched them without gloves.

Chris stopped when he saw a really familiar-looking boy stand just before the edge of pedestrian zone.

The boy was waiting on the side of the road, probably wanting to cross the street. But he was too scared without his dog.

Chris walked, and stood just beside him. The boy probably sensed his presence, because he stiffened, and gulped nervously. The boy furrowed his brows.

Chris touched his hand tenderly, caressing it a bit, before connecting them. He held the hand of the boy gently.

"It's you." The boy said. His small fingers defined the shape of Chris' hand.

He had really clear pronounciation, definitely an australian accent, but the boy looked asian, just like Chris did.

"It's me." Chris said. He didn't hear his own voice, but he knew what he had said.

"Why are you out? It's really late," Chris asked him.

"I went to check on Minho."

"Who's that?" Chris asked when he gently nudged the boy forward to cross the road.

"The guide dog i have. He had surgery today, and he needs to stay there overnight."

"Anything bad?" Chris asked.

"No, i just castrated him."

Chris hummed and caressed his hand.

"Do you... where do you live?"

"Yes, i would like to come to your place."

Chris had definitely not expected that answer, but he smiled. They walked together towards his apartment.

He punched in the code and guided the boy inside, then bent to untie his lashes. He kept his eyes on the boy just in case if he talked. And he did.

"You don't need to."

"But i want to. Come on, lift your left leg."

The boy did, and Chris slipped off his shoe. He repeated the same on his right leg and opened his jacket.

"I'll put your jacket away quickly. Don't move a muscle."

He turned and probably missed the answer the boy gave but when he turned around again, he faced the most beautiful smile ever.

"I'm Felix." The boy said, holding his hand out for a handshake.

"Christopher, but call me Chris." He shook Felix's hand, enjoying how small and soft it was.

"Are you hungry?" Chris asked him, smiling a bit even if the other couldn't see it.

"Yes. I'm really sorry."

"Don't apologize, i have ramen for both of us."

Felix's lips curled up and his mouth opened, showing off his teeth.

God, Chris was sure it was the most beautiful laugh in this world, but he couldn't hear it. He would've given anything, just to be able to hear that.

"I don't know what you look like, can you describe yourself to me?" Felix asked as he and Chris walked to kitchen together.

"Well, i have brown, curly hair, i'm a tad bit taller than you and i have broad shoulders. I also have an eyebrow slit. I'm korean, so i have these asian features."

"Really? I'm too. Or that's what i've been said. How would you describe me?" Felix asked him, when Chris was turning on the electric kettle.

But Chris hadn't been looking at Felix, so he didn't hear him. The orange haired boy waited, turning his head to the direction he thought Chris would be.

"Chris?" He asked.

Chris put it back to its place and looked at Felix again. He had a confused expression on his face.

"Chris, are you here?" He started to sound scared.

"Oh my god i'm so sorry Felix! There's... one thing. I'm deaf." Chris sighed, walking closer to Felix.

The boy opened his mouth, and then closed it again.

"How do you understand me then?" He asked.

"I'm good at reading from lips." Chris answered, tilting his head and taking Felix's hands to his.

"I'm so sorry. I'm good at sign language, though. We can use that?" Felix asked, biting his lower lip.

"Nah, it's all fine. If i'm looking away i can't answer you, so remember that if i don't answer, just wait a second. I know what you were thinking, i wasn't getting a knife to murder you."

"Why did you bring me here then? You know, i'm at very vulnerable state right now. Without my stick or Minho."

"That's exactly the reason. You don't have Minho with you and the stick didn't work with you that well, judging from the way you had difficulties at stepping in to a bus." Chris laughed a little, the memory still fresh in his mind.

Felix smiled, and squeezed Chris' hands.

"Your laugh is really beautiful, Chris. I wish you could hear it." He said, his smile faltering a little.

"You're really beautiful Felix, i wish you could see it." Chris answered him.

"Am i?" Felix asked, his face serious.

"Yes. You have the most beautiful face i've ever seen. Your freckles look like stars on your cheeks." Chris said, his voice suddenly just a bit louder than a whisper.

"Thank you. Can i... can i feel your face?" Felix asked, biting his lower lip again.

"Yes darling, go off." Chris smiled.

Felix's small hands made their way to Chris' face, his fingers searching for his jaw. He led them from Chris' jaw to the top of his head, there quickly petting his hair, before continuing down.

"I can feel your eyebrow slit!" Chris couldn't hear him, but he knew Felix was excited. His whole face was lit up in a bautiful, beautiful smile.

"I told you so."

His fingers touched his the tip of his nose, gave it a light squeeze and continued down to his lips. Felix's fingers traced the line of his lips before feeling them with his finger. Then his hand rose again, slid up from his lips to his eyes, where he gently touched Chris' eyelashes.

"Do you have dimbles?" Felix asked.

"Yes." Chris answered, and smiled.

Felix's fingers searched for them, and then poked them gently.

The whole moment felt intimate, and so, so beautiful. Two humans with disabilities, other one couldn't see, other one couldn't hear. But they understand each other. Completely.

"Chris, the water is boiling." Felix suddenly said.

"Ah, thanks!" Chris laughed, let go of Felix's hands (at least tried to) but the orange haired one didn't let his left hand go.

"You'll do well enough with one hand."

Chris smiled, and then carefully poured the boiling water to their ramen.

"Is it scary?" Chris asked.

"What?" Felix asked him back, brows furrowing a little.

"Being blind."

"Oh. It is sometimes. Like today. I always feel really scared and uncomfortable without Minho. Usually i trust people, but i know that anyone can do anything they ever want to me, because i can't really protect myself well."

Chris squeezed his hand. It had became a habit of theirs, squeezing just to know the other is there.

He picked up their ramens, and guided Felix to sit down on the chair, before sitting down to the other side of the table.

"Is it scary?" Felix asked.

Chris cracked a smile, he knew what the boy would ask, but played with him.

"What?" He asked, smiling.

"Being deaf."

Chris thought about it a little.

"Honestly, when i lost my hearing, it was. I lost my passion. I loved listening to music, dancing to music, making music. I loved music in general. I loved listening to birds singing when sitting in a park, i loved hearing people laugh when being drunk. Weird, i know, but it sounded fun." Chris answered, slurping some noodles and swallowing them after chewing.

"I still do music, though. I visit a speech therapist once a week in order to keep my speaking ability." He chewed more noodles.

"But being deaf isn't. I just can't hear the bullshit people keep talking. People think i'm rude if i don't answer someone when they talk to me, but if i don't see their lips, there's no way i can understand them. So it isn't."

"You do music? Can i hear it?" Felix asked.

"After you've eaten, love." Chris smiled.

He loved the reaction Felix had given him after he called him darling, so he couldn't resist calling him with cute nicknames.

They had a rule, unwritten rule. Not to ask what had happened. What had made them like this.

They finished their ramens, and Chris stood up.

"I'm gonna throw these away, so don't talk to me, i won't hear you. Now is your time to talk shit about me."

Chris saw Felix laughing, before he walked to the trashbin, threw the cups there, and washed the chopsticks quickly.

"It's late. Do you want to sleep?" He asked Felix when he neared him again, taking his hand to his.

"Can we go to your bed? I don't want to sleep yet, but maybe talk." Felix answered, making sure to turn his head so Chris could read his lips easier.

"Sure thing." Felix stood up, and Chris gently guided him.

They both knew something was going on between them. Something that made their hearts beat, fireworks explode in their stomachs, skins tingle when they touched. Something that made them both smile.

Chris took off his shirt and jeans, putting on a white t-shirt.

"I'm gonna sleep on my boxers and t-shirt. Is that okay?" He asked.

"Definitely. Give me a t-shirt too?" Felix carefully asked.

Chris laughed and gave him a similar t-shirt, and watched as the other took off his clothes. Not to be creepy, just to make sure he wouldn't run away from Chris.

He held Felix gently when he kneeled to meet the bed, and crawled forward.

"Be careful." Chris said, and laid down on the bed beside Felix.

Felix murmured something Chris couldn't catch, and they laid there in silence. Moon shone through his blinds, reflecting on their faces. Chris watched Felix, as the boy breathed in and out deeply.

"Is the moon shining on me?" Felix asked.

"It is. It makes you look even more beautiful, which in my opinion, should be illegal."

Felix giggled, atleast that's what Chris guessed he did, and rolled closer to Chris.

Felix's head rested on Chris' chest, his left hand just beside his head.

Chris melted, and wrapped his hand around Felix's body to tug him closer. It was silent. It always was for Chris. Felix's hand drew patterns on Chris' clothed chest, probably humming something, because Chris felt vibrations against his chest.

They were vulnerable like this.

Just two people laying against each other, sharing a bed, warmth and safety.

"You know how i knew it was you?" Felix asked. His head was tilted a bit up.

Chris hummed, telling him to continue, while he caressed Felix's side.

"I recognized your scent and your hand."

Chris smiled.

"You helped me last week, didn't you?" Felix asked him again.

"I did. You looked so nervous and scared. First i didn't know you were blind, but then i realised it."

"You're an amazing human, Chris."

Chris pecked Felix's forehead, making the other squirm a little. He turned to lay on his stomach in order to face Chris.

Felix's hands made their way to Chris' face again, and he traced the lines of Chris' face. Felix discovered every single part of his face, touching and petting there and there. Chris just smiled and let the boy do anything he wanted. This was the only way Felix could ever 'see' him, and Chris would give anything to have Felix happy.

It hadn't even been that long since they had met, but they just knew this was how it was supposed to be.

This was how they were both supposed to be, in each other's arms, smiling lovingly, tenderly.

It was like they had known each othee for ages. Everything felt so good, so familiar, so real, so safe.

Chris could feel Felix's breath on his face. It was something small, but something so precious, just like the boy laying beside him.

Moon's light played with them, creating shadows on their faces.

They stared each other to their eyes, looking for something. Looking for answer.

And there it was.

Felix couldn't see Chris' eyes. Chris could see his.

Chris couldn't hear Felix's voice. Felix could hear his.

But they both could feel.

They could feel the touch, they could feel the emotions running inside their heads,  
  


_Little moonchild, the moon whispered._

_I’ve been looking for you, i’ve walked through forests and marches, just to find it too._

Felix's lips touched Chris'.

_To find what? The trees asked me._

_To find the real place i’m supposed to be._

They stayed like that for some seconds, before Chris started to give thousands of pecks to Felix's lips.

_This is all beautiful, can’t you see?_

_We’re something so different, yet we have so much to feel._

Their lips moved together in sync, and they closed their eyes. Chris pulled Felix tighter against his chest, just to make sure he would never lose him.

_The river whispered to me, don’t be scared, the stars have something for you. You’ll never be alone anymore._

Felix held Chris' face between his hands, kissing him a bit more bravely.

_Walk, walk honey. Open the door._

_It’s the door of love, you’ll have someone to hold._

Chris sucked Felix's lower lip, earning a playful bite on his lower lip from the smaller.

_Together we’ll fight, together we’ll shine._

_If you only want to be mine._

"I will never let go of you." Chris whispered when they broke off the kiss, looking Felix in to his beautiful, beautiful eyes. Some people would say they were ugly and scary, but Chris thought they were the prettiest pair of eyes he had ever seen.

"Please, never let go of me." Felix said back, and they both smiled, resting their foreheads against each other's.

_Never let go of me._

**Author's Note:**

> I’m nowhere near a poet so please don’t judge my poem hahahah.


End file.
